The weird shit one thinks of while in the middle of attempting (and executing), a “wall-assisted,” handstand-push-up (Yeah, humble-brag)! Quick question for those of you reading: What did you dream your life would be like as an adult? Are you doing what you envisioned yourself doing when you were 15? How have the “hard knocks” of life shaped your current reality? Or has it been relatively easy for you thus far? Did the hard work & persistence pay off? Or was it more timing & circumstance that worked in your favor?
I remember being a young kid & thinking, “If I ever had kids, I’d never treat them how she treats me. I’d never abandon my son, if I were a Dad.” When I was older, maybe 14 or 15, I made the decision that I was NEVER gonna have kids. Good to see something turned out in my favor: Girls that don’t like sports. NO BOYS? C’MON MAAAAAAAN! More proof that “God,” is a scorned woman, I must’ve pissed off at some point. I’m actually glad I don’t have boys. They pee everywhere! And I like to keep the bathrooms clean as f***!! I happen to believe you can tell alot about a person by how clean their bathroom is…. Once again, I’ve digressed. Back to dreams. I already told y’all that I had these wild dreams/fantasies of being a Laker. Once “real” life intervened, I honestly had no clue. But I did the “college thing” for a minute. Alcohol & drug counselor? Please. No one can save an addict. Wildland firefighting? The most difficult part of that job was driving a clutch! Thankfully, a diesel engine is very, very forgiving to slow coordination. Army…. Well, we know where that landed me: Ocean Park, Washington on a path of “self-discovery.”
And then it hit me this morning: I’m actually living my DREAM!
I can’t tell you how many times I tried to slap/punch the tears away. One minute I’m stretching, doing yoga & going through my typical morning routine. Next minute, I’m in a handstand, crying for no Goddamn reason. I sure as Hell AM NOT sad, in any way. Life is REALLY FUCKING GOOD for me. I often say, “If you ever hear me complaining about my life, just throat-chop me.” But check this out: I’ve found my “thing.” Seriously…. I’ve figured out my purpose. And it’s really no different than what I’m doing now- Living life, parenting & writing about it. But to actually realize it, is something of a revelation. Perhaps I’m reading into it too much & am “super-emo,” at the moment. But here’s my belief/stance on what just happened this morning.
My parents were shit. Drug addicts…. Alcohol abusers….. Physically abusive. Some of you know the story. It is, what it is. I’m thankful for them, as well as my ex-wife, Jolene. They all showed me exactly what not to do as a parent. And right now, I’m tasked with doing for Eva, what wasn’t done for me or my brother: To love & guide her through life. What I’m realizing is, it’s one thing to go through the motions of parenting. But to actually have the time to hold their hand, feel what they experience, watch them grow into their own beings….. Fuck! This shit is special!!! I was asked the other day, “What do you like doing? Don’t you ever get bored?” And maybe because I was too intoxicated, I couldn’t give a definite answer. But here it is now: I like being DAD. And NO…. It NEVER gets boring.
It’s not the dream I had at 15. It’s the dream I had January 28, 2000- The moment I became a father. So in conclusion I’ll ask the following: Are you living your dream? Why not? What besides you, is holding you back from living it?
“Can’t nobody take my pride…. Can’t nobody hold me down, oh no! I got to keep on movin’.” -P.Diddy