Last cigarrette…. Damn!

Been hanging onto this pack for 2+ weeks. As careful as I was, Eva caught me. I left a damn receipt laying around. And before any of you give me shit, just know, Eva crushed me for it: “I’m just disappointed in you Dad. Those aren’t good for you.” My dumbass tried to argue: “I use them for creative purposes only; When I’m writing. It’s no coincidence I’ve posted more in the last 2 weeks, than at any other time.” Eva says, “I won’t be moved on this.” The little shit used MY LINE, when ending a debate/argument! Who’s raising who, in this equation? She’s great for me…. Regardless of how humbling it is. Cigarrette is done. Time to start another decade (plus), without nicotine. Definitely, NOT an issue.

“Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgement.” -Michael Corleone, Godfather III

Just one of a few quotes I remember from that movie. Here’s another one he had: “Just when I thought I was out…. They pull me back in.”

The signifigance of them? Besides being from a shitty movie? They’re both TRUE. I awakened this morning, once at 2:30 & again at 5:50, with body spasms. Those too, were very true. Not imagined. It fucking hurt. Calendar said it was time to take my Humira injection (for inflammation of the skin, joints & muscle lining), yesterday. My dumbass forgot unfortunately. And this morning was the penalty. It didn’t matter which soundtrack I played- “Man of Steel” nor “The Dark Knight,” could raise me from the bed. So I rolled out of bed & onto the floor- Landed in pushup position! Yessssss! Knocked out 50 & hit the shower before work at the brewery. Let me just say: The stress of having to be somewhere every day is tiring. Let alone, having to work once you get there! Wow! I had forgotten what it felt like.

So…. Today I’m writing for therapeutic reasons. I’m pissed. And being pissed, isn’t good for an auto-immune disease, that feeds off that. If I’m stressed, my body goes haywire with pain & spasms. My neck gets tight. Skin gets irritable. Eyes burn. It’s pretty uncomfortable. I’m upset because I’m in another fight it seems. Not with myself, a friend, the ex-wife…. But with the mother of Ayanna; My middle child; The woman I cheated on Jolene with, 3 months prior to joining the Army. Guess what this fight is about? Money; Child support. The details, are what they are. And I’ve never had a problem paying what I’m obligated to pay- Even throwing in an extra 15% (maximum allowed by the state of Oregon in which they’re willing to document) the past 4+ years. But for something that doesn’t have to be a fight, I can’t for the life of me, figure out why this woman wants to fight with me about my money? I have no relationship with Ayanna. Haven’t for nearly 6 years. And yet, her mother wants more! My brother would say to my whining-ass right now, while chuckling: “You did that shit. Stop crying. Ha-Ha!” That I did. “Chickens coming to roost,” as my Grandma Eva would say. By and By, paying more than you’re obligated to pay FOR ANYTHING, gets old. Especially, if situation dictates you don’t have to. But why I’m really bitching, is because I have to fight/argue. Due to circumstance & by design, I live a very peaceful existence. “Don’t start no shit. Won’t be no shit,” is something I heard alot of growing up. Well? I’m not starting shit with anyone. As a matter-of-fact, I hoped my days of fighting/arguing were done. I don’t have the energy for it anymore. I’m good at it, don’t get me wrong. But that shit is tiresome at 39. It really is. I’ve got better shit to do. FUN SHIT. But in this situation, I’m not standing on the “shoulders” of pride. It’s what’s fair. On a positive note: This is the last time I’ll ever have to argue or have contact with that woman. I don’t hate her, contrary to how I may have spoken of her in the past. Honestly, I feel bad for her. And I don’t usually feel bad for any adults. I’m a sucker for kids. But what a miserable existence for an adult- To know that you can’t make it on your own, without the aid or assistance from another.

I should have hit the road with the bike today. Instead, I drank beer, smoked a cigarrette, crunched numbers & posted. Too late for the ride now. Getting on the bike “tipsy,” probably isn’t the smartest. So I’ll nap for 2 hours, get up & cook a tuna steak & then ride! Be well & enjoy your weekend!

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