Going into hibernation….

Friday the 14th…. Doesn’t really carry the same weight, does it? Regardless, there’s been some weird shit in the air lately. There were 4 separate instances in which deer crossed the road in front of my vehicle this morning. Five hours of sleep last night, has me feeling as though I got twice that. I drank enough last night to have a hangover today, but don’t. My body has been aching worse than it has in years- Throbbing extremities. I’ve been in “block & delete” mode with my phone contacts earlier than usual. And here’s the craziest shit of all: I’m letting go; Trying not to control everything. I don’t doubt that it comes across as indifference. Hell, it could be! But at this point, I couldn’t give a damn.

I’m kind of floating on cloud nine. I received a call from Izzy a few nights ago. She thanked me for putting so much emphasis on her education and for making college easier on her.

“I totally understand what you were saying Dad…. I’ve got it easy by comparison with my peers.”

I wasn’t expecting a “thank you” until she was in her mid-20’s. But I’ll take the acknowledgment now, before something tragic befalls me.

My girls are the ultimate confirmation that I’m doing something right. At least 2 of the 3, make me feel that way. I wonder when Ayanna will come around…. 20’s? 30’s? When I’m in my death bed, cuddled up with & drooling on a nurse that resembles Rosario Dawson?

I fucking love that kid…. It’s just complicated. I long for the day when I can interact with her, one on one, without the influence of her mother hovering about. I realized today, that I’ve never placed a band-aid on her knee after a fall…. Never nursed her back to health when sick….. Never held her after a nightmare….

I sacrificed our relationship early on, for peace & serenity. And now I kick myself in the ass about it, during the most peaceful & serene time of my life.

I took time away from this post, to shoot Ayanna an email… It’s been a year since I’ve reached out.

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